Perception

I can never understand, I mean truly understand what it is like to let your emotions blind you into a state of unawareness. To create a shield around oneself that is inpenetrable by reason, and logic, and intelligence. The shell I speak of is made of selfishness, greed, and immaturity, built upon a base of rage, anguish, and self-loathing. This shield a erected anytime something is not kosher to her. I theorize that everything she doesn’t like about herself, she displaces that dislike towards others. For example: she is very unsure of her self, lacks confidence, self esteem, and faith in herself. When she sees those qualities that she lacks in others she becomes aggressive towards them. “they’re cocky” when she sees confidence. “they think they know everything” when she sees intelligence. “They’re just gonna fail” when she sees drive. It is also part of my theory that she blames everyone else for the negative aspects of herself or the negative aspect of her life as a defensive mechanism. She couldn’t go to school, it’s my fault, she didn’t look for work for two years. That’s my fault. The choices she makes are fixed by me. She doesn’t see that ultimately the final choice is hers. She told me today, she never wanted to be a mother. That’s understandable. We were young and it was the last thing in our minds. Then she told me she doesn’t wanna be a mother. Well that’s tough. At the same time she threatens to take the kids away forever and when questioned she admits she just wants to hurt me. She admitted today that she had to grow up in a household of arguing parents and so her daughters have to as well, and it’s my fault for that because she is hurt. That’s the responsibility thing again. She refuses to put her own childrens emotional wellbeing and future ahead of hers. And does petty things to try to make those around her as miserable as she is. Her anger is misplaced hate and depression from growing up in a household of anger and women who are themselves angry and hurt by men. Her father pushed out of the picture and her mother, grandmother and aunts angry at the respective men in their lives raising her, and her not having an outlet or a way to deal with the emotional explosion she had lived in. All this emotional anguish I believe has made her a manic depressive, and/or bipolar.
Well like I said that’s just my theory. If that were false then I would assume that the reason for her unreason would be a much more serious mental defect or illness. It’s a
shame too because when she’s on, I mean happy, and energetic and smiling, she can be a cool and loving mother and person. Unfortunately the anger is always just beneath the surface.